Ok, I’m only around a year and a half into this parenting thing, and I remember how tough it was to find a good name so i understand people come up with some interesting ideas for those lil bottle-sucking, diaper-destroying bundles of joy. But after seeing some of the damn names people had the nerve to bestow upon their children in 2013 i’m two chicken wings and a gas card away from starting a petition to establish a Committee of Common Sense to approve baby names before any more lives get destroyed by these remedial people who obviously have no expectation of success for their kids.
Please read the list below carefully. If you’ve got a kid on the way and have an inclination to use any of the names below (or a variation of them), please raise your right hand, look straight ahead…and slap the shyt out of yourself! Again, these are REAL names of babies born last year who have absolutely no chance of ever gaining reasonable employment.
Ahmiracle and Dmiracle – The name Miracle alone is passable in most circles, but lets be honest and admit that neither Ahmiracle or her slew-footed, sweaty cousin Dmiracle need to waste any time prepping to run for public office.
Assia – This one isn’t so bad, but its never a good idea to start a name with Ass. Even if it holds true and you’ve got a Beyonce or Kardashian clone on your hands, kids are going to have a field day making up therapy-inducing nicknames for this kid and no matter what exotic way you attempt to pronounce it this one has more problems than benefits.
Beautyful - First off, this name is being rather presumptuous isn’t it? And wouldn’t it be completely ironic for a baby named Beautyful (spelling alone is an issue here) to grow up looking like a sea donkey? I mean really, fate says its almost guaranteed to happen so let’s not go down this road, ok?
Younique – There are few names that start with the letter Y i feel ok about, this obviously isn’t one of them. For some reason i can’t avoid picturing Mo’Nique when i say this name out loud, and that alone is enough for me to hate this name.
Luhv – Keep it real fellas, no matter how fine a girl is, if you step to her at the club and she says her name is Luhv, what’s your first thought gonna be? Yup…either “i wonder where she strips” or “i wonder how much she charges”.
Phone – Yup, someone out there named their kid Phone. Ok, I guess its better than “Laptop”, but still…these people must not have ran this name by any friends or family ahead of time. I bet everyone at the hospital just shook their head when they saw the file with this name on it.
Justus – And the award for first kid to go to jail for a crime they might not have committed goes to…
Tru – I’m really hoping against hope that this kid was Asian or something, but alas….i don’t think we’re gonna get that lucky here. This kid better be good at rapping, cause there’s really no other application for this name that will pay off.
Victory – First time this kid loses at anything he/she is an instant liar and that just too much pressure to put on kids.
Pepsi – How did they get this one past the trademark police? And what if the kid ends up liking Coke? (the drink, not the….nevermind)
Anally – Someone actually decided to name their daughter Anally. There simply are no words for this. We need to find this person and end them now.
Kids have it hard enough these days people, let’s not make it any harder on them with names like these. Heard any other crazy ones? Comment and let everyone know, we need to stop this shyt from happening asap, the kids are the future!